I am up tonight thinking about how I only have ten days left to live in my parents house.

I know for some this is no big deal, but luckily God has blessed me with such a great family, anytime this thought reaches my mind I kind of just cry. Not necessarily because it’s sad, it is happy in a way, I just can’t help feeling a million emotions right now. I know I will see my family, of course I will miss them like crazy for the first little while, but I’ll be okay…yes I am typing this to reassure myself…

But really, I am so thankful for my family.

I am being ridiculously sentimental. Anyone who knows me knows I am so stupidly emotional like God messed up and there is some lifeless little blob of a human out there with no emotions because He accidentally gave theirs to me! Anyways that being said I am probably blowing everything out of proportion right now but my dumb self just keeps thinking of random things I did in kindergarten, or all the times my family went to Oklahoma for the summer or how even though my brothers drive me crazy I love them. You know just every possible memory I have ever retained from my childhood which at the moment feels like I am just wrapping up and throwing in the trash! …but I’m not. I feel like a giant child actually because of how silly I am being. This happens, people grow up. It probably doesn’t help that for the past three years of my life I virtually have only ever hung out with my family. I have had random friends here and there, but really, truly, I have been a complete fam bam kinda gal, so yeah.

Anyways, slightly new topic. I am also realizing that I am terrified. Of what you may ask? Ohhh just the fact that for the first time in my life I won’t have my dad down the hall which I guess in my mind is kind of like a superhero or something because I am confident he will beat up the bad guys that happen to beat down the door of our quiet residential neighborhood in the middle of the night that come to kill us in our sleep. I am joking. But seriously, I have done many things alone, and I would consider myself pretty independent but I guess just the idea of separation sucks. My new motto is “He has not given you the spirit of fear”, which I know is true. And as morbid as it is I always think that I’m not going to die unless God wants me to so I will at least be okay until then, whenever that may be. No but really, I know I will be okay…I have Michael, this is how life goes…and he is a light sleeper luckily (new bad guy killer).

I am being ridiculous. I look awful. My eyes are puffy, my skin is blotchy, my breathing at least has returned to a normal pace that doesn’t sound like a chubby kid on a treadmill. I am going to be okay.

I guess though (not really “I guess”, I know I am), very lucky to have such a wonderful family..AND such a wonderful husband and opportunity to experience new things. Since for some reason now it is just hitting me though about my final ten days, I want to try to enjoy them. It is easy to feel like nothing is going to change so you treat it like a normal day until bam it’s just time to leave but I want to at least try not to do that.

My little sister came in my room today asking if the shirt I gave her fit good. Then five minutes later she returned to see if the shoes she picked matched the shirt. Two more minutes my door was flying back open and I hear…”and Aly what should I do with my hair?”…to which my response was, “Ava, aren’t you just going to school? Has something changed at school? Is the president coming???”. Yes I realize I am the worst. And even though I had a frustrating day and I had to pause my Kdrama in the middle of Jin-a and Jun-hui breaking up!!! (seriously omg, my heart was so sad for them)……I was like wait, you know how many times Ava is going to come in my room and ask for fashion advice after next Saturday…never. Again cue the tears. BUT IT’S OK!

I am also excited for what is to come. I am excited for our first apartment, I am excited to get a dog, eventually have a baby, travel, try different food, etc. you get the point. Lord willing Michael and I have long happy lives together.

Okay! Done being sad, only big happy smiles! The wedding is in ten days(:

I will update once we reach Corpus!

Its been a while since I’ve added to my little emo blog. School is driving me absolutely mad, so I thought writing about something other than how the role of sensory experiences affect the classroom, might be a nice change of pace.

I’ve had a few different topics mulling in my head about what to write. I think the one pressing on my mind the most lately has been my many different thoughts pertaining to God.

It was mid December when I first started to really think about things. Michael was at boot camp, (oh by the way since my last post we’ve gotten married) which meant I had no contact to the one person I pour everything out to, and I had a million questions racing though my head about the religion I have always practiced. I guess it just dawned on me that everything I have always accepted had never been explained in a way that was not faith based. I had always accepted that Christ was real, I had always just believed in Moses and the flood and the garden of Eden, but never actually questioned their true existence. Now I know this sounds bad, sounds as if I was denouncing the bible or whether Christ really was real but I wasn’t necessarily, I was just curious about whether biblical events had secular evidence, if that makes sense. I wanted to know whether secular Egyptian history documented the plagues, and if Genesis was written by Moses who was not alive during many of the events of that time, how Christianity is any more valid than Buddhism. If both religions begin with one man’s attained knowledge considering Siddhartha Gautama was the first ever man to know of and achieve enlightenment, just as Moses’s word is based from a direct revelation from God, both of these “starts” to religion come from the faith that something higher than these men gave them the knowledge they needed to spread the religion to the world. So this had me uneasy. I know the plagues thing seems random but it was one of the easiest examples I could think of that would most definitely be documented in secular history if it were to have really happened…I mean who wouldn’t want to remind generations down the road not to make the one mighty God unhappy or else your town will get turned into a giant “I told you I am the almighty God” session?? I would.

So okay recap, here I am, twenty years down the road of being a christian, (really like 14 spiritual years since I was saved when I was six but still), and I was just now running into questions that made me very confused and concerned and etc., and I didn’t really know where to turn. Growing up, I always tried to adopt the mindset while witnessing to someone, (witnessing: telling someone about Christ and how they could obtain salvation. Salvation: the act of accepting Christ’s self sacrifice therefore escaping eternal damnation) that if they don’t believe in Christianity they are not going to accept the bible as a valid form of information. Of course I always felt this was ludicrous because growing up in church you have heard pastors argue your whole life that the bible is an infallible source. However, as I far as I have experienced it had never been broken down in the way I was thinking like this “story” or “event” is true because it lines up with the historically accurate time periods of this ruler or another historical event that is documented outside of the bible. Disclaimer, I am only twenty one, more than a few years of growing up in church were spent playing games or memorizing verses for candy or drawing on the church pew envelopes…maybe I just missed the sermon where the pastor just broke it all down for us, but regardless I had questions!

So what did I do about all these thoughts and questions? I had dinner with a fellow christian peer at a Greek restaurant, and gave her more than an ear full of everything I thought and felt I was experiencing and sought what she had to say. My conversation with her pointed me towards the book “Case for Christ” by the author Lee Strobel. Of course I had heard of this book before considering it had been around for some time, but I never realized he had questioned and experienced many of the same thoughts that had occurred to me. This book portrays the Journey of an author who at the beginning of wanting to write this book was actually an atheist, and because he was hoping to debunk any evidence that the New Testament could be factually true without relying on faith based information set out on his quest. However, through his evidence based discoveries, he actually got saved and became a Christian because there was simply too much evidence pointing towards the fact that Christ as well as the bible is not just a man made, follower proclaimed religion. Which of course testimonies like this just blow you away.

So I decided I was going to read the book. But a week went by, then two, and I still hadn’t ordered it or read it. And then guess what, because I swear my brain never gives me a break I got to thinking again. I could read this book, written by a man, which again just about everyone asks in their lives where does man come from…and accept his explanation of why Christ is real or I could realize the stupidity of that. Why base the validity of God off of a man’s reasoning? I can’t make a man, scientists can’t make a man, no one can create matter out of absolutely nothing, and whether you believe in a deity or creation theories, both require the faith that something was created out of nothing. Why did I even think about this? Because faith! What is religion based on? It’s based on faith. Not religious? Don’t like to stress your mind about where you came from or how the earth got here? Cool. But that’s dumb. What’s the point of life then? But then I got to thinking, what would be the point of anything if you knew everything? If you knew when you were going to die and exactly how would you simply accept it? and when September 10th of whatever given year you’re supposed to fall in front of a train and die you still let yourself do it? or you try to evade it? But this evades what? A specific death? Gives you one more day until you now die in a new way? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS ONE COULD THINK ABOUT! Sorry I know the all caps is a little dramatic but really people think about these things, and you know why? It’s because there is no faith there is just lost.

So yes. I am thankful that Lee Strobel took it upon himself to research and discover the answers to the few questions burning in my mind plus a thousand more, saves me the trouble, but through all of this thinking and these questions, I realized there are even more questions to be asked as well. Like the ones of a child. How did the earth get here?Why is the sky blue? Who made puppies? Where do babies come from? All of these questions are seemingly simple but are truly “complex” in the sense that this type of thinking shows that someone is thinking! They are not going through the monotony of everyday life just accepting the unknown! Like I said before a parent could answer either way,…”well sweetie a bunch of nothing was floating around, exploded, and somehow the incredibly complex world we live in was miraculously formed”….or “a loving God created this earth for us to live on, because he wanted to be loved as well”. Yeah yeah I know when I say it that way it’s obvious which one sounds better…it sounds dumbed down right? Makes creationists sound stupid, plus I’m obviously biased because duh I am a christian right? But really, people always have questions to which more than often they seek answers. Humans have an ever constant need for evidence, validation, credibility…so my many questions I feel were quite normal. Just as any one grows up their whole lives doing something, it is more than likely that one day they will stop and say “hey, why is it I do this? or think this?” etc.

I still plan to read the book. I know I am totally dragging feet, I mean seriously I live a block away from a library! I just need to find fifteen minutes to remember to grab it. However, I no longer am reading this book for validation of my religion, or for the evidence that God is real or to know if there are pictures of flies and frogs scrolled along the pyramid walls next to giant hieroglyphs stating “God = plague”.  I realized I believe God is real because there is no other logical explanation to life and because I have the faith that he is real. As I mentioned earlier about the creation theory versus the God theory pertaining to how the earth was formed, I once heard an awesome illustration of that question. Someone asked me “if all the pieces of a phone were laying separate on a table, on their own would they ever become a functioning phone?” obviously my answer was no. They then followed up with, “but would they become a phone if someone put them together?”.

Don’t get me wrong faith is a scary thing. It is absolutely terrifying at times to not have all the answers, but like I said if we knew everything what would be the point of life? I fear God tremendously, mostly in a respectful way but sometimes in the way that it just is truly crazy that someday we will get to meet the most insane form of perfection we could ever imagine. However, I find comfort in God. If all my previous questions weren’t enough there is always the question “is the devil real?” and the answer to that is oh heeeck yes. Think about what Christianity as a religion stands for even if you don’t include God to which it is supposed to be centered around. It stands for kindness and love, acceptance of the lost, comfort for the weary, aid for the troubled. Now when you think of the devil or sin what follows? Death, sickness, crimes, rape, murder, demons, pain, wickedness, sadness, suffering, all of which we experience far too much on this planet. And yes last question, why did God make this place and us and put us here to get sick, and be murdered, and experience the horrible pain of loss? Because we die, which no one can deny or escape, and in death we experience the purpose for life. Did we accept Christ? Did we live our lives reaching as many lost and weary souls as possible? Or did we harden our hearts to the possibility of Christ? Brush off any bigger thoughts of where we came from and what for, or accepted a loosely explained theory which was simply enough to get through life with? It may be cliche but this world’s not our home we’re just a passin through, (I am nervous and excited) that our treasures lay up, somewhere beyond the blue, the angels beckon me from heavens open door and I can’t feel at home in this world anymore!

Some of the most common things I think about on a daily basis…

Music. Meant to be a gift to God, sometimes God’s greatest gift to man. Sometimes I’ll be listening to a song and just think I am so thankful someone creative and amazing was brave enough to produce a song like this. The kind of song that can make you happy no matter what, or that can make you cry almost instantly. Songs that take risks, where you listen and think “this is so weird”  but hey, it’s weird amazing. Sometimes I do sing the songs to God. In my car, loud and off key, I try to sing as if He was sitting in my passenger seat and the lyrics are a personal love song I wrote myself. Sometimes I turn my music up so loud as if I want to become one with the music. It’s weird but it makes me happy. And then again I’m just thankful for the creative art of others that blesses many all around the world.

Beauty. I have a lot of insecurities. I have had acne ever since my early teens. I have a big nose, small (basically non- existent) boobs, I’m very skinny, and most the time I just feel like an awkward human. Despite the fact that it’s 2018 and some people actually have careers from making make up tutorials, my make up still looks like crap 90% of the time, as well as my frizzy short hair. BUT…….I’m learning to see beauty in a different way. Yes I know my flaws and accept them. They might not always be there, acne might go away, therefore less need for make up, I might put on some “woman weight” as my dad calls it as I continue to get older…but something I can stop right now is comparison. I compare a lot. It can be defeating to see other girls the same age as you with clear skin or desirable curves and just look effortlessly beautiful, but comparison never does anything but depress you. Something I have started doing recently is just simply expressing my thoughts about people who I see that are beautiful, and rather than saying “she’s so much prettier than me” I just simply say, “she’s beautiful”. Because she is. She is a model, she is beautiful. She has freckles and long red hair, she is beautiful. She is Hispanic and has raven hair and thick eyelashes, she is beautiful! Letting others know their beauty makes you happy, which is so much better than being jealous. And it helps you love your skin. You are different, she is different, but beauty has no category.

Love. Modern day love songs and TV shows can often make me so frustrated. Lyrics like “one kiss is all it takes, fallin in love with me” or shows that are constantly filled with one night stands that are made out to look sexy and beautiful, it’s annoying. Working at the dental office I listen to the music they play all day which is just the “Top 100 Hits” radio station, which means it’s the newer music of what kids, teens and a lot of people listen to, and I’ve noticed a pattern. So many of the songs are about breaking up and being happier that the person is gone, but in a sad “I loved you” way, or revenge hateful songs, or “love” songs with lyrics like I mentioned previously, and I get it, love can be difficult. But what all these songs and shows are depicting isn’t love…it’s just sexual lust, or selfish motives, or an over inflated ego proclaiming that they are so amazing how can’t they be loved? I guess the reason this bothers me is just because it isn’t true. Love doesn’t have to be sad, or hard. You don’t have to have sex to be in love and love doesn’t always involve sex. Love is hard sometimes, but for the reason that it is a choice…in order to keep loving someone you have to choose to do so. People frustrate people, people can be selfish, people can be mean, but it is in these times that a true test of love comes through.

People. Or more specifically conversations I wish I could have had or would like to have with certain people that I may never talk to again. So many things I want to say, so many things I want them to know, so many ways I want their memories to be different than they are by just giving a little more information…but I don’t. It’s like a pastime thinking about these conversations. Sometimes I realize I’m just hurting myself though by continuing to keep these things in my thoughts and not letting go. I guess my thought that helps me think everything will be okay is that time will heal and eventually I’ll forget these conversations. Who knows.

People. Yes again, but this time how I affect them. How my actions change someones life. If something I say could be just what that person needs to hear, or smiling at them gave them a little happiness. I believe people are generally sad or upset or angry until they find the Lord, because no one can be completely happy when they are missing the reason they were created. Which then transitions into my personal convictions.

Conviction. I think each christian has their own convictions about so many things. Whether or not its okay to drink, if tattoos are good or bad, if floor length skirts are a necessity because ankles are just too much for some men to handle or if accepting the fact women have legs too and jeans are nice is okay…..However, aside from some of the more trivial convictions, I think there are the ones that are more major. How often should I read my bible, is this kind of music going to have a positive or negative effect on my life, how often do I make sure other people have the same blessing as me and know they are going to heaven. The last three things I just listed are things I struggle with everyday. Reading my bible, I suck at it. I talk to God all day, praying in the car, praying while I’m at work, praying while I’m doing anything…but I struggle so much with reading my bible. It’s not because I don’t have time, I’m just stubborn. I know it’s what I need to do, and it would help me, and I’ve made up so many excuses as to how come I can’t but they’re all pathetic. In all honesty I think I’m scared. I’m afraid of doing what many people do and misinterpreting what is actually being said, then misconstruing my own understanding, and forever thinking I know something about the bible that is just wrong. I want to know the bible so I can be a better witness, but when you feel at a loss as to where to start, it leaves you in my position of re-reading proverbs over and over again because you know its a book of wisdom. I know I need to look into study books that help you decipher what you’re reading, but that is why its called a conviction, its something I need to do that I haven’t done yet. Listening to music…well as I stated in the beginning I love all types of music, except country ew. But seriously I love rap, jazz, soul, pop, acoustic, EDM, that super hipster stuff with a guy on the cover wearing a weird hat and an earthy colored outfit with suspenders…..allllll of it, but there in lies the problem. I really agree with what you put in comes out. If you put in cursing and foul language you’ll become immune to it and eventually it will come out. If you put in depressing messages or things that go against your personal morals, same reaction will occur. Now that doesn’t mean the art of it is awful at all, but that’s my struggle, not letting art win over heart. That was cheesy I know, but it’s true. And lastly back to people. I sometimes or at least used to think I had a special gift with people because I can talk to anybody about anything, and normally people open up to me rather quickly, but upon noticing this I realized if people were choosing to trust me with their struggles and fears and concerns, I couldn’t abuse that trust by sharing it openly. I have become a book of so many things about so many people, sometimes even by just observing or listening if they weren’t talking to me directly, that I could tell them more about themselves than they know sometimes. But I like this because I want people to go to heaven. I want all and everyone that I can possibly share the gospel with, receive it. I think witnessing is my greatest conviction because it is always on my mind of who I can talk to, and how I hope not to miss any opportunities.

Anyways, this was a lot to write and more to read, I just wanted to share it because your own head is a prison sometimes. A place you can never leave. Letting what’s in, out, sometimes feels like a little bit of freedom.

 

The stormy stuff.

In life typically storms involve struggle. There will most likely be hardships and not very fun times, and often “people” chalk that up to it being “just the way life is”. Well okay so there’s pain and sucky stuff that you can’t change, but does that mean you’re just simply expected to accept it? You can’t feel sorry for yourself because it’s just the way life is, and if you can’t change it, why spend the time moping? Maybe so, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. I’m 20 years old and really that doesn’t mean anything. Just because you’re a certain age doesn’t mean you’re going to check the imaginary boxes of how you should be, but I guess there’s still things I think I should do. I’m “growing up”, I should be trying to act in a way that shows an increase in maturity, I should be learning to stand my ground and become my own person and not let things get to me. But it still happens. My eighth grade year was my first year back to public school since the fourth grade. My mom had home schooled me because the middle school I would’ve attended in Oregon span from fifth to eighth grade which she felt like was too much of a range. However, the culture shock from fourth grade to eighth grade was immense. That doesn’t mean it was bad, I had a fantastic year at school but it was the first time I experienced a storm. I was new, I had braces and bangs, and not a chance in the world to slightly be cool in any way. I remember sitting next to this girl kind of like me, brown hair, braces, and I said hi. That girl was new too, she was from Michigan. Well Michigan girl had made a friend too. That girl was sweet and had a beautiful smile. I became really close friends with the both of them and life was good.

One morning, about 7 a.m. pretty smile got off the bus, ran into my arms and told me her mom was dead. She had passed away from an overdose. At the time I was still innocent enough that I didn’t know what she meant by that when she told me, but I let her cry, and I cried, life happened but it hurt. The very next year we went to high school together. Her bus got there before mine, so she would stand outside and wait until I got there, then we would roam the halls until class started. One morning fairly early into the school year I remember getting off the bus and her continuing to stare after somebody who had emerged from my bus as well. She then told me that the person was one of her friends from a different middle school than the one we had gone to together. I kinda shrugged, said that was cool and continued on with my day. Well come physical science class and that middle school girl was sitting a few chairs to the left of mine. I didn’t say anything because I mean she wasn’t my friend but, like a creeper I watched her. I noticed she would come into class, leave her hood or beanie on and always had a pair of headphones. So yes, clearly she wanted to be left alone, or at least was comfortable with aloneness, but I went over there and talked to her anyways. I explained that I knew her friend and that we rode the same bus and she was very quiet. Well not long after my first time bugging her we became friends. We rode the bus together, we shared a locker, we ate lunch, we hung out at my bus stop and sometimes walked to each others houses. Pretty smile girl and I faded apart, we still talk on the rare occasion and I still love her but it happens.

One afternoon getting of the bus, new friend had gone her way towards her neighborhood and I had gone mine, but then she called me. I was almost at my house so I ran upstairs to some place quiet and alone because it sounded like she was crying. Through her loud sobs she was saying she was happy she met me and I was so nice to her but I just kept asking what was wrong. The next morning she showed me, under her hoodie on both forearms were bright red slashes that went all the way to where her elbow bent. I honestly didn’t know what to make of it. She opened up little by little and told me some of the stuff in her life that had been going on. I gave her a hug and we got through it. Life happened but it hurt. She ended up coming to church with me, got saved, made new friends and for a while life was good. Age sixteen my dad got orders to move to Virginia. I thought I was so ready for that, to get out of a high school I thought I hated, to leave the rainy clouds behind and go live somewhere where the beach is warm and sunny, not full of rocks, but little did I know it would make life hurt. My friend said when she found out I was moving she got in the shower and cried, I remember being concerned that I wouldn’t be able to be there for her the way I had been when I lived a neighborhood over, but I was at least happy she had a new church full of friends.

Virginia was okay at first but then it became the suck…but then eventually went back to being okay, it just took a while. I stayed in contact with my friend really well for the first year, we would talk and skype almost everyday and she came to visit me the first summer after being gone. Senior year of high school things changed, we still kept in touch it was just a little shotty. She had started dating a boy from the church we went to together and I was talking to a boy long distance from there as well. Summer after senior year I went back to Washington to see her and my other friends, but before that we had gotten into a fight. I had asked her what she thought about me dating the boy I was talking to and she said she didn’t like the idea. Obviously we disagreed about this topic but we both soon apologized to each other for our small little fight and seemingly that was that.

However on the trip things were awful. I had come to stay with her but visited other friends as well, one of which being the boy I really liked. Little things here and there were red flags that she and I were not getting along anymore but I tried to ignore it and just enjoy my trip the best I could. The last night I was there she apologized for the way she had been treating me, we went to the cheesecake factory, walked downtown and watched taken. Up to this day it was one of the best days we had ever had together. On my flight home she had given me a series of letters, the kind that were “open when” and I did. I was happy, our friendship seemed to be mending, but nope wrong. Soon after I left she had told a bunch of my friends she would be happy if she never saw me again. I was baffled but tried to let it be okay, it just sucked. We weren’t friends for the two years after that (and really still aren’t), but somewhere in the midst she apologized, she said there was no explanation for why she dropped me as a friend, and she wanted to be friends again. This all sounds good and great but you realize it means voluntarily putting your heart on the line only to be stepped on for no reason. I told her we could be friends if she showed some effort, but like I said we’re still not friends.

I ended up dating the boy, he was somewhat referred to in my last post but ex boyfriend basically sums up everything you need to know. He made me so angry, but I did really love him.

In between some of the friend drama, different things had been happening with my new life in Virginia. For the first three years my dad was deployed, home two months back one or something close to that. My mom was upset, depressed even. We didn’t have a church home, we had a fallout with some family, the friends I made from work weren’t the best influences, I was angry, mad at God, bitter at the world and life wasn’t fun. I started college, made barely any friends and still felt extremely lost.

Well back to me being 20, who cares. I didn’t write this to show poor me, I didn’t write this to gain sympathy. I wrote it to explain my struggle. I am 20 and trying to do all those things I mentioned in the beginning, but it’s not as simple as it seems. Little by little I have had people drop out of my life, be there one day and gone the next which sometimes is the worst pain. Just no longer having somebody you loved to talk with and laugh about stupid things can be a weight on you.  I know people in life have way worse struggles than mine…my friends I described previously went through some awful things that even though I was beside them it wasn’t as bad as it actually being my life. However we could all choose to allow comparison belittle our own struggles, or we could try to acknowledge the fact that our own pain and hurt is something that is allowed to be addressed as well. If we don’t address it we will never heal. Last Sunday at church we did the Lord’s supper. One of the things the pastor mentioned is that you can’t partake of the Lord’s supper if you have bitterness in your heart. My recent bitterness had been about friends as well. In this modern age technology can help feed your anger without you even intending it. Seeing that you texted your friend and they don’t respond but have time to update their social media, it helps you harbor bitterness. Now yes, that’s a very petty thing, it’s just the truth that people make time for the things they believe to be important and whether or not you’re one of them is something you cannot control.

So here you have seen a shortened version of just some of the anger and bitterness that had easily been seated in my heart for so long. Not having answers as to why plays a huge part as to how you linger on those thoughts for an ungodly amount of time. However I realized I just had to make the choice, though I may never understand why little by little the people who I thought I could trust to never hurt me, have hurt me in a way that caused me to spend longer hurting myself. Well like I said about the Lord’s supper, I prayed, really hard and it hurt and it wasn’t easy but I had to choose to just not let others love or care validate my life. I am not only important because of how someone else feels about me. And clearly, being engaged and having a family I still have ones to love and who love me. I am no longer angry at any of the past friends before, I just recognized this is my struggle, my inner storm, and though there will be a thousand more to come, I’m going to be okay. I’m growing up.