Some of the most common things I think about on a daily basis…

Music. Meant to be a gift to God, sometimes God’s greatest gift to man. Sometimes I’ll be listening to a song and just think I am so thankful someone creative and amazing was brave enough to produce a song like this. The kind of song that can make you happy no matter what, or that can make you cry almost instantly. Songs that take risks, where you listen and think “this is so weird”  but hey, it’s weird amazing. Sometimes I do sing the songs to God. In my car, loud and off key, I try to sing as if He was sitting in my passenger seat and the lyrics are a personal love song I wrote myself. Sometimes I turn my music up so loud as if I want to become one with the music. It’s weird but it makes me happy. And then again I’m just thankful for the creative art of others that blesses many all around the world.

Beauty. I have a lot of insecurities. I have had acne ever since my early teens. I have a big nose, small (basically non- existent) boobs, I’m very skinny, and most the time I just feel like an awkward human. Despite the fact that it’s 2018 and some people actually have careers from making make up tutorials, my make up still looks like crap 90% of the time, as well as my frizzy short hair. BUT…….I’m learning to see beauty in a different way. Yes I know my flaws and accept them. They might not always be there, acne might go away, therefore less need for make up, I might put on some “woman weight” as my dad calls it as I continue to get older…but something I can stop right now is comparison. I compare a lot. It can be defeating to see other girls the same age as you with clear skin or desirable curves and just look effortlessly beautiful, but comparison never does anything but depress you. Something I have started doing recently is just simply expressing my thoughts about people who I see that are beautiful, and rather than saying “she’s so much prettier than me” I just simply say, “she’s beautiful”. Because she is. She is a model, she is beautiful. She has freckles and long red hair, she is beautiful. She is Hispanic and has raven hair and thick eyelashes, she is beautiful! Letting others know their beauty makes you happy, which is so much better than being jealous. And it helps you love your skin. You are different, she is different, but beauty has no category.

Love. Modern day love songs and TV shows can often make me so frustrated. Lyrics like “one kiss is all it takes, fallin in love with me” or shows that are constantly filled with one night stands that are made out to look sexy and beautiful, it’s annoying. Working at the dental office I listen to the music they play all day which is just the “Top 100 Hits” radio station, which means it’s the newer music of what kids, teens and a lot of people listen to, and I’ve noticed a pattern. So many of the songs are about breaking up and being happier that the person is gone, but in a sad “I loved you” way, or revenge hateful songs, or “love” songs with lyrics like I mentioned previously, and I get it, love can be difficult. But what all these songs and shows are depicting isn’t love…it’s just sexual lust, or selfish motives, or an over inflated ego proclaiming that they are so amazing how can’t they be loved? I guess the reason this bothers me is just because it isn’t true. Love doesn’t have to be sad, or hard. You don’t have to have sex to be in love and love doesn’t always involve sex. Love is hard sometimes, but for the reason that it is a choice…in order to keep loving someone you have to choose to do so. People frustrate people, people can be selfish, people can be mean, but it is in these times that a true test of love comes through.

People. Or more specifically conversations I wish I could have had or would like to have with certain people that I may never talk to again. So many things I want to say, so many things I want them to know, so many ways I want their memories to be different than they are by just giving a little more information…but I don’t. It’s like a pastime thinking about these conversations. Sometimes I realize I’m just hurting myself though by continuing to keep these things in my thoughts and not letting go. I guess my thought that helps me think everything will be okay is that time will heal and eventually I’ll forget these conversations. Who knows.

People. Yes again, but this time how I affect them. How my actions change someones life. If something I say could be just what that person needs to hear, or smiling at them gave them a little happiness. I believe people are generally sad or upset or angry until they find the Lord, because no one can be completely happy when they are missing the reason they were created. Which then transitions into my personal convictions.

Conviction. I think each christian has their own convictions about so many things. Whether or not its okay to drink, if tattoos are good or bad, if floor length skirts are a necessity because ankles are just too much for some men to handle or if accepting the fact women have legs too and jeans are nice is okay…..However, aside from some of the more trivial convictions, I think there are the ones that are more major. How often should I read my bible, is this kind of music going to have a positive or negative effect on my life, how often do I make sure other people have the same blessing as me and know they are going to heaven. The last three things I just listed are things I struggle with everyday. Reading my bible, I suck at it. I talk to God all day, praying in the car, praying while I’m at work, praying while I’m doing anything…but I struggle so much with reading my bible. It’s not because I don’t have time, I’m just stubborn. I know it’s what I need to do, and it would help me, and I’ve made up so many excuses as to how come I can’t but they’re all pathetic. In all honesty I think I’m scared. I’m afraid of doing what many people do and misinterpreting what is actually being said, then misconstruing my own understanding, and forever thinking I know something about the bible that is just wrong. I want to know the bible so I can be a better witness, but when you feel at a loss as to where to start, it leaves you in my position of re-reading proverbs over and over again because you know its a book of wisdom. I know I need to look into study books that help you decipher what you’re reading, but that is why its called a conviction, its something I need to do that I haven’t done yet. Listening to music…well as I stated in the beginning I love all types of music, except country ew. But seriously I love rap, jazz, soul, pop, acoustic, EDM, that super hipster stuff with a guy on the cover wearing a weird hat and an earthy colored outfit with suspenders…..allllll of it, but there in lies the problem. I really agree with what you put in comes out. If you put in cursing and foul language you’ll become immune to it and eventually it will come out. If you put in depressing messages or things that go against your personal morals, same reaction will occur. Now that doesn’t mean the art of it is awful at all, but that’s my struggle, not letting art win over heart. That was cheesy I know, but it’s true. And lastly back to people. I sometimes or at least used to think I had a special gift with people because I can talk to anybody about anything, and normally people open up to me rather quickly, but upon noticing this I realized if people were choosing to trust me with their struggles and fears and concerns, I couldn’t abuse that trust by sharing it openly. I have become a book of so many things about so many people, sometimes even by just observing or listening if they weren’t talking to me directly, that I could tell them more about themselves than they know sometimes. But I like this because I want people to go to heaven. I want all and everyone that I can possibly share the gospel with, receive it. I think witnessing is my greatest conviction because it is always on my mind of who I can talk to, and how I hope not to miss any opportunities.

Anyways, this was a lot to write and more to read, I just wanted to share it because your own head is a prison sometimes. A place you can never leave. Letting what’s in, out, sometimes feels like a little bit of freedom.